Totally Awake

Dearest Sir,

Being your submissive was an amazing period of time in my life. It was a mere blink of an eye, definitely too short in length, but what it lacked in time was made up for in depth. I feel like I learned an imense amount during that time due to your constant and unwaivering support and guidence. You were an amazing teacher. What I was always longing for was the actual connection. Im sure that that was due in part to the physical distance between us but also due to the reservations you kept (rightfully) because of your marriage.

Two nights ago, that changed for me. I am no longer your official submissive. As we both know, I will always bend to your words. I will always do as you request. That night on the phone, you put me in childs pose. As I was circling my clit with pressure as you instructed, you called me. I knew you would call that night. Every other phone call with you, you have maintained the same deep, firm respect demanding tone. For most of that phone call you maintained your Dom-y tone. There was a brief moment where I heard a change. I heard pleasure in your voice. I had not heard that before with you. I longed for it. I craved it. I always wondered if extracting an orgasm or two out of me pleased you enough to bring you actual physical pleasure. I always wondered. I think it would have been different had you been physically present the whole time. I think that was the only down side to being trained long-distance. I never really "knew".

But I heard it. It moved me. That simple little chink in the armour of your stoic tone, told me that I was worth it to you. It told me that I was hot. It told me that I was acutally beautiful and that you were sincere. So much in such a seemingly minor thing.

I slept nude that night. I awoke in the morning feeling sexy. I turned on the shower and as I stood there testing the water's temperature, I looked over into the adjacent mirror and caught sight of myself. And I admired the image. So I reached out and picked up my phone from the counter. I snapped the picture to remember the moment.

I later was discussing the image with Nate and he assured me that I was beautiful and that the picture was "hot". My reply stunned me. I said "I know. I may not be perfect, but I am hot."

I think at that moment, I understood what you were trying to tell me. What you meant by, "you need to see yourself through lover's eyes".

You changed my life, Sir. I know that I have said that over and over and I hope that the sincerity is not lost in the repitition. I mean it. You changed it at first by showing me that it was ok to be who I am. And you have changed a life time of self-loathing into self-appreciation. There are not enough words to say or enough tears to cry to show my appreciation. I will never have another like you. You are and always be my Sir even though you are not my Dom. Always.

I know I am a pouter. I know that I am totally sassy (even when I shouldnt be). I know that I tend to talk too much. I also know that I am worth your time and effort.

I am beautiful, afterall.

Thank you-

Awakening Part 2

This revelation certainly was not going to get by without all of the details accounted for. Like, just because George thinks I'm a submissive that doesn't mean I am one. Surely not. In the same breath, Fuck, hes right and I know it. But what does that mean?

My world is upside down. In my day to day life, I am in control. Or I like to think I am. Am I? No, yea I am. OK, good. Everything is still in order. Check.

But, I cannot possibly be a submissive. I never run from a good debate. I don't back down. I am sassy. Like really fucking sassy. I am overly and overtly opinionated. I make no apologies where that is concerned. Submissives are meek. They are doormats aren't they? I am so not into whips and chains.

OK deep breaths. My friend George has the answers I need. He is the experienced Dom here. I pick up my phone to ask him.

"You knew?" I ask. He says he knew the last time we hung out. My family still lives in Charleston where he was still living. Oce, when I was visiting, I got to sneak away one night and leave my kids with my parents for a bit. He bought me flowers. I remember seeing him then, so differently than he was back in high school. He was a man now. Filled out. There was just something so inviting about him. So comforting about him. Just as I am now, I was complaining to him about my love life! What else is new. Ugh. Anyway, I had been out with this guy and had a second one night stand with him. I guess after one, its more of a booty call. I digress, anyway, I was telling him how the guy just kinda "took me". Those were the words I used. The sex was amazing. I didn't have my brain on at all despite this guy's amazing body. My insecurities were calm that night. Could have been the vodka. Bob was his name, he indeed took me. And I loved it. So I was telling George about this that night at the beach and he remembers the look in my eyes. He knew.

"I knew. Yes. I knew by the words you chose to describe it. I knew by the look in your eyes. Its the things you crave. You just want to feel. You want to be controlled. You don't want to have to meet expectations."

Exactly! I am jumping up and down on the inside. He has me completely pegged. It also confuses me. "Exactly" I respond, "Is that because everything in my life is the total opposite?"

"You're busy, active... Your kids... It's like herding cats. You just want someone to be a man and tell you what to do and get you off and make you feel free."

"Yes. So why have I always had those fantasies? Like always. Like back when I started masturbating." I am so full of questions. I am so full of answers too.

"Because you've always been who you are. Having kids and an adult life doesn't change you. You still have the same behavior. Same feelings. Same personality." He says this like he really knows what hes talking about.

My mind spinning, I ask "Why are you a Dom then?"

"Because you'll do whatever I tell you to do and I will accept no argument about it" Oh shit, hes serious here.

"Is that clear?" He asks.

Silence.

"Is that clear?" He asks again, sharpening his tone.

My mind still going a million miles an hour, I want to hit the pause button. "What? I can't breathe again. No, its not clear yet. My chest is caving in. Please answer two questions. Please."

He steps in as if he knows already the answers I need. "A Dom will never ask a sub to do anything that you don't want to do...

... And I will answer your questions. And you are a good girl for saying please."

"Oh now, its three questions actually... Thank you, I start the list:
1. You said 'subs' plural. Current? And your wife?
2. If I'm a sub because of why you told me I was, then why are you the way you are? Why are Doms, Doms?
3. How did you know. You said you knew then. How? Just because I got fucked the night before?

Please. Thank you. And yes, I am overly aroused by this conversation."

He replies quickly. "I won't answer my questions about my wife or my marriage. That is none of your concern. Enjoy the attention that I give you and don't worry about anyone else. I have been with people before. I wasn't new before I got married again. Doms enjoy being in charge. Having subs do our will. You enjoy the freedom of not thinking and we enjoy planning the details of our encounters and your reactions. I knew by the look in your eye when you described your date. The faraway look when you admitted to having been handled... An openness about you... A hundred little things."

"You draw me to you. I trusted you. I am open" I say, unable to really string together a proper thought. I feel bad about asking about his marriage, I think he is upset that I asked about that. Crap.

"Understand so far? Are you breathing?"

"Yes, Sir. I was starting to and the it left again"

"I called you a good girl earlier for saying please. How did that feel?"

"It turned me on"

"Yes, you are a good girl, then. Its my pleasure. Do you have any more questions?"

I'm so hot, I'm so confused and so turned on. "A million, but I cant think of them right now. My  mind is spinning and my heart is pounding. What do you want to tell me, what do I need to know?" I hope he knows what I need to know.

He begins. "A Dom will take whatever he wants, but only as much as you are willing to give. You are still in power. Never helpless." His tone is calm, making sure that I am following.

"For example?" I need the details here man!

"Its always okay for you to say "no" if someone goes too far. For example, I can't tie you down unless you want me to'

"I like to be tied!" Oh my, did I really just say that? The filter is clearly gone between my brain and my lips.

The tone of his voice is so calm and crisp, like the tone of a high school math teacher. "Its not okay for me to cause you more pain that you enjoy. Being a sub doesn't mean you are a doormat. The ultimate power is still with you."

"OK so that's why you said a sub needs to be strong willed and confident, because I control your pleasure?"

"Its imperative and really fucking sexy. But No, you control nothing. You have the power and I am in complete control."

"That's what I meant. You are in complete control. Check." Damn filter.

"I won't even let you cum unless you as permission first". I have noticed that this point that he is no longer referring to Doms in general, but to himself as he would be with me and its really fucking hot.

"Got it. Sounds reasonable. I'm still shaking. I am breathing again though."

"So you like to be tied." Its not a question. "You want to be spanked. Have you ever been spanked?"

"In a playful, pleasure way, not as a punishment." My mind recalling the few times someone has had the balls to try to spank me. They've always been playful and not too hard.

"Its all connected. Blindfolded? Gagged?"

"Well, yes. I haven't been spanked like I fantasize about. Yes, blindfolded, not gagged, but it sounds hot".

"Bent over a lap, skirt around your waist, ass exposed to your Dom's hands."

"Oh My God." I'm so turned on by this conversation.

"Your ass is red and smarting when hes done with you. And sore for days after..."

"Holy crap. That's not the spanking I got before. That's the difference I was alluding to. Am I allowed to be aroused by this conversation?"

"Yes, I didn't think you had it done right. You've been wet for a long time, Anne Marie. Most of the last hour anyway" I love how he uses my birth name. No one calls me that anymore.

"Most of the day honestly." I admit.

"I'll assume I had something to do with that" Oh he has had everything to do with that. And he knows it.

"Yes, Sir"

"Good girl"

Oh he called me a good girl. That turns me on. The thought of him being pleased is such a turn on. "Thank you"

"My pleasure, Anne Marie. So you have never been spanked, but probably need to be."

"Yes, Sir"

"Have you ever had to beg to cum?"

"No, Sir. I have always been in control mostly. I've never fully submitted."

"Such a shame... it would make you feel deliciousus and slutty"

"I.m sure. Because the thought of it is making me throb." This whole damn conversation is making my throb. The thought of being with him is making my throb. I know there is a puddle between my legs right now.

"Because you've never been free. Never known yourself"

"I've known it without a name."

"You can touch yourself."

"Should I touch myself with my had or with my vibrator".

"Your hand, Anne Marie. I want you to feel... your wetness. Your folds. Your silken skin. Revel in all that is you and the things that you can do to your body."

"Yes, Sir" I had so been hoping for the quick, lazy easy relief from which ever device I could reach at that very moment.

"You like a firm hand, don't you? A light touch is a nice start, but you want pressure on your clit, Don't you Anne Marie?

"Yes, Sir. Exactly" Hoe does he know all this. My mind is still swirling with the need to know every thing about this.

"Then keep a light touch"

"Oh OK. Yes, Sir." Fuck. I want to pull out my Hitachi and get this done. I want to cum. And how does he seem to know it. Is he here with me? Can he see me?

"Just teasing your clit. And don't you dare cum" His words resonate.

"Yes, Sir"

"You are not ready for that."

"No, Sir. Sir, May I please ask you a question?"

"Yes you may Anne Marie"

"How did you, when did you get so good at this? Always?"

"You are a good girl... I just know how to read you, You are drawn to me, Open, you said. It works both ways. You are a book to me"

"Yes. How?" With my hand still circling my clit and my wet pussy, I find it hard to string words together to form a sentence, but it doesn't seem to affect him.

"A Braille beneath my fingers"

"Oh" Fuck that's hot. The thought of him knowing me without me having to tell him. Ive longed for that my entire life.

"Now slip two fingers inside"

"2?"

"Now. You mustn't hesitate. A good girl acts quickly. Does exactly what she as she is told"

"Yes, Sir. Done. Need to trim the nails"

"You want to be a good girl, don't you AM? You should aways be ready. A good girl can't afford to have nails that are too long. We don't want to leave marks..."

"Yes, Sir. No marks."

"Now give your clit the pressure that it craves. "And make sure you thank me for your pleasure... it is important for you to show respect."

The pleasure is building and building and teetering on the edge of sanity. Between here and there and no where all at once. I somehow manage to speak. "May I cum?"

"Not yet, AM. You aren't ready. Your body is, but your head isn't. But keep that pressure on your clit." He pauses to listen to my breaths. "Don't stop, but don't cum either"

"OK"

"Is this clear?"

"Yes I will do as I am told. Its not that easy, but yes, Sir, it is clear"

"You are a beautiful little toy, Anne Marie"

"Thank you" His words fill me.

"Hours and hours of fun. If I let you cum, will you be absolutely quiet?"

"Cum quietly? Yes, Sir?"

"Yes, Quietly cum" he instructed.

I am silent for a little while and he is patiently waiting listening to make sure I do not utter a sound. Not a single whimper. I do as I am told. I think I black out for a minute and I then I am keenly away that I may have made a sound, a quick sharp gasp for air. "Better?" he asks finally.

"Oh my God, yes, so much better. Thank you for allowing my release."

"Such a good girl... Now, trace your fingers around your lips. That's my kiss."

"Thank you. My fingers tasted sweet" I am so completely wet. I cant believe what I just experienced. That was unlike anything I have ever experienced. So high. And he did that with his words. His command. The fear he instilled in me. I do not want to disappoint this man, ever.

"My pleasure, AM. You're a very good girl."

"Thank you. Did that bring you pleasure?" I so want to know if he touched himself while I was cumming or if he had that bulge in his pants, that pressure in his balls telling him to cum.

"Its not OK to tell anyone about this unless you ask me first. Is that clear?"

"Crystal clear" Of course, I'm thinking. How would that come up in conversation. Oh yea. George discovered I'm a sub and now we are having an illicit long distance training relationship. Yea I don't think it will come up.

"Oh Anne Marie, you are delicious."

"Thank you very much"

"Have you enjoyed your first taste of submission?"

"Immensely"

Awakening

The day I learned I wasn't alone was one of the best days of my life. I can say that honestly. That was the first day on my journey toward self-acceptance and self-love. It started totally innocently enough with a face book message about my most recent dating drama to a male friend whose insight I always valued.

"You know I have this love for you George. Its strange. We didn't particularly know each other in high school. But I am drawn to your wit and your sweetness and of course you brought me flowers. You bring me joy. And you give the best advice. Just thought I would share."

He replies "Yes, you're drawn to me. I have that certain "I don't know what.". Who is this clever boy that foolishly delays the inevitable?"

"You know him" I say being coy, "He was your neighbor growing up".

"I had a lot of neighbors. Tease"

Damn, he knows just what to say and how to say it. Of course, I am teasing him. I love that he never gives into my teasing though. "He is one of our mutual friends." I offer him one more sliver.

"It's no wonder you keep making him come back. You're getting me to do it and I'm not even getting the good stuff. Although I have a hunch you're going to make me put out before this conversation is over."

I literally laugh out loud in my office. I, of course, should be working. I'm doing month end reconciliations on the three accounts that I manage for the law firm. I manage to be quite efficient. I am so over-qualified for this position, but frankly with the 3 kids to support, I need the money.

I type my reply, quite proud of the sassy tone. "♥ you! You actually get the good stuff. Its the unfrickingbelievable stuff you aren't getting ;)"

He figures out who it is. Its JP. His best childhood friend long since grown apart. He thought JP was married, but nope, divorced for 3 years.

"Yeah... you keep tootin' your own horn... What is it about guys with a bunch of kids that you love so much? Trying to do the Brady Bunch thing?"

He doesn't mince words. Its true, I keep going after men with children, divorced men who are still a part of their kids lives. Its a pattern and George has picked up on it? "Guys with kids just get my life. And he and I have always had this *thing* since high school. He in particular just gives me enough to want more. And if your horn did the tricks my horn can do, you would be tooting it too :)"

I amuse him. "I'd be tooting mine or yours? Now I'm confused again"

I can't help my giggling. "That's funny. right there! So, are you gonna marry the girl?" I knew that he had been engaged to Meghan for several years. I wasn't quite ready for the response that I got though. "Whoopsy daisy... I actually already did. We got married quietly last winter. Just our families here at the beach."

My response was quick and stunned. With all of my exclamation points, he accused me of tooting my own horn again. I was just shocked that my buddy had been married over a year and didn't tell me. "I'm kind of an idiot and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but back to the matter at hand...

"You and JP aren't facebook official I notice" he says. I deflect, "either are you and your wife". Truth be told I just found out about his wife less than 2 minutes ago. I'm still kind of reeling on that one. We weren't friends in high school. Of course I was just acquaintances with 99% of the student body. Only counting a select few on my real life friends list. But, with the dawn of facebook, I became the popular girl that I never was. I was awkward and shy. Too tall. Too soft spoken. Too sarcastic. Too alone. I had been the new girl in 9th grade. I wanted to be the popular girl. I was popular at my old school, or I was friends with all of the popular girls. Puberty was an extremely trying time when you are 5'9" at 13 years old. Swimming my whole life gave me broad shoulders and a firm body. My long slender limbs attracted the boys.

I continue in my reply to George, "No we aren't facebook official. 'Moth meets Flame' isn't an actual status option... yet. My stomach stays tied in knots. He is two different people. I am fascinated and leery at the same time, but I cannot resist him." I hit send. Not finished with my thought, I continue  "I allow him to manipulate my emotions and manipulate my body. I take the controlled amounts of him he is willing to give with glee even though its not enough. I feel I have no weapons in this battle. I did at one time... last time we tried to date... I told him I loved him after we broke up. I handed over the only power I had." Doubting that I should have shared so much, I hit send again.

Almost instantly, George replies to my message "Well, you do enjoy being handled, but never let anyone control your head. It's your life. That's your power. Saying that you love someone doesn't give anything up. Just because you say it doesn't mean that you have to lie down and do as you're told. Unless you enjoy doing that, then it's okay. You can love someone and not allow them to control you. Demand to be treated well. You still have the unfrickingbelievable stuff, apparently. You can take that somewhere else if need be."

Damn his words always hit me with such power. He is right and I know it, why cant I just believe it. I reply "I actually like the giving up physical control. I've never done that before and it's refreshing. I said "I love you" then I didn't talk to him for 10 days I think. I haven't said it since and I fo sho will not say it again unless he says it to me. I didn't like being vulnerable like that. Not hearing it back killed me. Oh I have the stuff... :) just careful who enjoys it lol". I love being able to talk about this with someone who is impartial. "Oh I only do as I'm told if I want too ;)" I say back to George.

His response is instant and again hits straight to my heart. "There is freedom in surrender. You don't have to act. You don't have to think. All that's required of you is to feel." Damn that's what I want. I read that reply maybe two dozen times.

"That's probably why I am so drawn to JP. I trust that I have more experience than him. I trust that he wont hurt me physically. I have never experienced such passion before. I need to learn patience and he is trying to teach me that for sure. He constantly says "patience grasshopper". I promise to learn, Really I promise to try. I'm sure that I shouldn't be talking about this with you. Sorry" I'm babbling again. I tend to do that. Like I feel the need to explain myself so that I feel understood. Ive never really felt like someone gets me. Someone just knows what I am saying without all of the verbiage that I pile on.

He jumps in and eases my concern. "You're not sorry, beautiful. You want to tell me things because you know that I won't tell, won't judge. That I'll understand. The passion you experience is probably the ecstasy of freedom. Finally letting go of everything that you and society has put in the way. It's trust and a little fear, but mostly it's a lack of worry, an absence of wondering and judgement, and an awareness of your Self. Of instinct. Of reaction. Of sweat and nerves and... I've been drinking. I'm running on at the thumbs"

He has me pegged for sure. "OK, I say, I am not sorry for sharing. But I am sorry if I have put you in a bad position because you are married now. The fear must be the emotional part. Its that patience thing... damn it. I asked him if he would teach me patience in the bedroom. I hope that I can be patient. I'm sure I will test him. I asked to be punished. :)"

"Why would this put me in a bad position because I'm married? Do you need me to discipline you? I'm awfully far away to keep you in line, beautiful."

"What type of punishment should I tell him I need?

"Oh beautiful, that's far too personal, but I am lacking sobriety and judgement... If I felt that you were in need of discipline I would spank you, for immediate correction, or withhold your... release. Until you understood what you had done wrong."

It was at that precise moment that I figured out that my George was, himself, indeed a Dom. I was beside myself. I was in shock. I was also immediately keenly aware of every nerve ending in my body. The room was brighter and I believe it actually began to spin.

I managed to key in a response before I chickened out. "You know a lot about this G. Why is that?"

So calmly and coolly, he responded "You don't need to ask. You already know. You can teach him. But if he's truly your Dom then he'll teach you."

I was stunned. He just admitted to me that he was a Dom. I felt so honored. I felt so in awe. I felt so safe. I felt so alive.

"Are you serious????? Wow. My breath is gone...

OK. hm. OK. uh. Ive never submitted to ANYTHING in my life. ever. Why do I want to so bad. When I am alone, I fantasize about it and have for years. But... why do I want no control in the bedroom whatsoever? Can this be just a bedroom thing or is it all or nothing? My heart is pounding."

His tone is very calm, very soothing. Very real. "Subs must be very strong-willed. Extremely confident so they don't lose themselves in the rest of the relationship. Sexual only. Which doesn't limit things to the bedroom. Sex and foreplay can be nearly anywhere, but the buildup can be absolutely any place. Any time. I love for my Subs to challenge me. And then I bend them to my will. Every. Time."

His words send a fire through my body. I am suddenly very hot. I cant process this all at once. He is describing what I want. Who I want to be. I've yet to catch my breath here.

I'm desperate for what he knows. I need it. "I want to know everything. Well everything you can tell me". He texts me on my cell phone.

"Heart racing? Hollow feeling in your stomach?" Pops up onto the screen.

My breathing is very fast and very shallow. I'm almost panting in disbelief and yearning. And how the hell does he know how I am feeling at this very second? "Yes. Why?" I barely have the strength to text at this point.

He is so clear in his message...

"Because no one has ever told you what you are before"
"And now, you've realized."
"You're wet too."

I'm screaming through my thumbs... "WHAT??? I kinda can't breathe"

"And you love it."

"Yes. But, what am I exactly?" I am delirious.

" I thought you knew. Last time we saw each other when you came to the beach for vacation and I brought you the flowers... I thought you knew"

"Knew what?" I'm weak and shaking at this point.

"You had gone out with that guy and were telling me how you were 'handled' you said".

I'm silent. Waiting for more information that would come quickly...

"You are a submissive, beautiful"